I’m so ambivalent about the idea of kenosis or emptiness as it is taught throughout history in Christianity. As part of a class on contemplative spirituality, I have been reading about the emptying of the self so that God can fill our center. This idea seems to be rooted in the problematic self and original sin, which has to be overcome so that God can come in and live through us. I have worked so hard to differentiate my own self, to overcome the soul-murdering interpretation that I had of being “crucified with Christ” that the idea of emptying and sacrificing the self still makes me angry and reactive. And what to do about the fact that I don’t believe God is “out there” any more, but “in here”?

I acknowledge that we can be in bondage to the self, consumed, curled up on ourselves in such a way that we are miserable and suffering, basically in hell. Strangely, it is possible, in my mind, that focusing on the greatness of God and my own unworthiness can create this hellish selfishness. And I don’t think the solution is to carve out the self with some sharp knife in a bloody exercise of self-denial. I think the solution is to cure the self, to call the soul to some greater mystery that sings her into a place of being that makes her selfishness irrelevant and useless.

Over the past years as I have healed, I have come to see that it is when the self comes to know her place in the vast, diverse, radiant universe, and finds a home among the entire community of beings, that a fine, firm joyful wellness can emerge. I discover that I am right-sized, right-placed, developed in the cradle of this Blessed Universe, brought forth for some unique identity (which I crave, because I crave my own identity played out at this time, for this one life). I believe this is the Divine emerging through me as only I can allow. To focus on “other” at this point would seem to deny the call to be fully myself. Yet, to focus on the self morbidly and repressively is sinful, counterproductive, and soul-wounding.

While there is merit to kenosis and emptying, I believe Christianity has much to learn also about how to explore the depths internally and externally, to listen deeply and, yes, to narrow the options over time. We can grow to live more clearly, directly, soulfully, beautifully, more open, aligned, and compassionate, remaining true to a call that is clarifying and pulling forward, while the dross falls behind. All the while, a slow, calm emerging of self, which is God-drenched and glistening with the dampness of fresh-born brilliance, comes in its time, like a flower blooming. This is not emptying, it is not filling, it is emergence and beauty.

This is my story of the self. It is not hell because it is joy clad in human flesh. And, the full owning of that body experience is the development of spirit, the taking on of what is given/presented, the full entering, the saying there is not another reality to live but this ONE, and that is ever God’s call throughout the Universe: live this reality, now. Then when the next reality (or eternity) comes, live that. It is opening, accepting, discerning, entering, moving, dancing, being. YES!