When I checked my Facebook account today, two postings appeared directly next to each other. The first: “God doesn’t want us to spread words that hurt, He wants us to spread nice words.” from Veggie Tales (children’s videos at https://www.facebook.com/veggietales). And directly below this, a post from Byron Katie said, “Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be caused by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility.”

These two oppositional quotes describe a long-term philosophical challenge I’ve pondered: whether to be good and hope for good in the world or to be responsible for myself and encourage others to be responsible for their own happiness. And it’s obvious from these postings that the world is confused about these paradoxical ideas as well. When someone tells me about some hurt in his/her life, I’m torn between saying, “That’s terrible” or “Oh, how sad for you” AND “Aren’t you glad you have the opportunity to face this grief?” or “I see you overcoming this and not being victimized by it.”

On the surface, it seems that minding the “nice words” sentiment would perpetuate goodness in the world, and make us better people. My experience, however, is that attention to being “good and thoughtful” makes me feel guilty, hypervigilant, or even proud. I feel sad for all the times I didn’t speak kindly and sorry for myself when others don’t do the same for me. Guilt makes me less sensitive to others because I’m focused on my own failings, and self-pity makes me depressed and morose, and again less sensitive to others. Don’t even make me say what pride does to me!

The second concept, that no one outside of me can hurt me, seems to fly in the face of reason and seems a bit cold as well. I’m hurt when you hurt me, right? I certainly know when I am hurt! Byron Katie’s teachings are way too complete for me to go into detail here, but suffice to say, she is spending her life teaching a way out of believing our painful thoughts (see www.thework.com). In another post she says, “When a thought hurts, that’s the signal that it isn’t true.” And my experience has shown me that when I question my painful beliefs — I am guilty, inadequate, self-centered, unloved, a victim of what someone said about me, etc. — the thoughts are released from me and I become lighter, full of self-love and belief, open, accepting, and . . . wait for it . . .  kind to others. Ha!

So, ironically, I choose the second approach, committing to the hard work of questioning my painful beliefs in the confident joy that I will be more kind because I’m taking cold, hard responsibility. When I do, I’m not worried about my kind nature, which is my essential being without guilt, depression, pride or self pity.